I’m still in shock. Days before my 40th birthday, the left side of my brain was damaged by a stroke. Doctors tell me the best way to heal my brain is to work it. So here I am.
Since it happened, misery has compounded. A stomach ulcer caused severe pain, nausea and vomiting. The resulting ER trip triggered tests that found a tumor on my left adrenal gland. Cancer? TBD. Next came a bladder infection followed by terrible case of bronchitis. I haven’t been able to taste for about a week. A migraine keeps returning. All these things make me have paralytic attacks. The stress has made my hair fall out.
As for recovering from the effects of the stroke, it feels like I haven’t been given much of a chance. Strength and numbness on my right side waxes and wanes. Words and comprehension come and go too. Emotions aren’t always under my control. If there’s good news, it’s that I have seen an improvement in my ability to talk. I’ll take it.
Normally, I would do anything to get better. Moving halfway across the world proved that. Yet it seems my body is built for betrayal. Since I was 18 years old, I’ve had one health issue after another. Each time, I looked for the silver lining, determined to have an attitude of gratitude at every opportunity. Todd and I were always able to find some humor in the midst of many dark times. Then in 2016, I even enjoyed a year or two of relative remission. Now? I cannot find any of those things. Just a broken heart.
When we moved to Hawaii, I felt liberated. Sure, my muscles were weak, but that was expected, given I spent most of my time before the move in bed. I started to be able to go places without needing my wheelchair for the first time in years. In my joy, I often overdid it. But I’d recuperate and get back out there as soon as my body allowed.
I’d found a great team of caring and capable healthcare providers and made real gains, slowly, but surely. It wasn’t all smooth sailing. Unfortunately, a couple new diagnoses had to be added to my chart since the move. But overall, my quality of life was worlds better than what I had on the mainland.
The whole family was happier. It wasn’t just due to the improvement in our physical health. We found dear friendships and joined a church, all while falling more in love with the Hilo community and the Big Island. Our guest room has often been occupied, giving us the joy of sharing our love of the island with our extended family and friends. Finally I was able to start giving back instead of just taking.
Not any more. Bathroom trips require a chaperone and a mobility aid. Walking more than a few steps is impossible. Some days, I can sit outside for a bit in the wheelchair (view from the backdoor landing attached). On my best days, Todd has taken me for a drive. Most of the time, I’m back in bed wondering how to move forward from here.
I’ve realized that I can’t say I’m a fighter because there is nothing I can do to control the diagnoses I’m dealt. It’s not a fair fight when one side has all the power. However the flip side means that getting “worse” does not make me a loser. I wouldn’t say I’m “strong” either. I survive as best I can because there is no choice.
Laura,
Thank you so much for this update… Words can’t express how sorry I am for what you are going through! I truly hope that God gives you some special healing and progress in the near future to encourage your heart!
Laura as a widowed woman, I have the time but age and arthritis have accompanied me, so I have limitations prayer is so powerful all I can do for you is pray I don’t put you on our prayer chain at church physically you have so much to deal with emotionally and mentally must be mine boggling I’m asking God to give me some answers to help you not even when I’m not with you something I’m sad or something I could do good help you and your family for now my love and prayers will keep each other posted. Love you your cousin Bev.
I can feel your love from across the miles, and your prayers count for much. I know that has been what has gotten me through. Love you too!
Thank you, Tammy. That means so much!
You are a strong lady. I cannot see you giving up. Cry unto the Lord don’t quit doing that. He hears and one day you will see Him intervene for you. Believe He will never leave you. Love you and pray for you everyday????
Laura you ARE strong. You ARE a fighter! Maybe you don’t feel like it, but you are. You’re surviving your new normal and are working towards a path of recovery. It won’t be easy. It will take a lot of patience a d time that I’m sure you feel you don’t have now. You have a great support system and a forever loving God on your side even if you don’t feel it. Thinking of you and praying for you all.
Thank you, Lisa. You’ve seen our family go through a lot in the last 15 years and have had your own fair share of trials with your family along the way. Finding a path to recovery isn’t going to be easy, and I am so thankful I have support and faith to help me through. I appreciate your prayers so much.
It has been hard not to give up, this time. I may never get an answer as to why it happened, and God doesn’t have to make me healthy, but I do wish He would. Thank you so much for loving and praying for me!
Praying for you and your family Laura.
I know you have, Larry. You and yours have been such faithful friends during difficult times for our family. Thank you for being such a source of encouragement for us.
Oh sweet friend, my heart breaks for you and your family. Your positive spirit is contagious. I know that things are unimaginably tough, but you are amazing and strong. I am praying for healing and answers!
Love you. Please hug Ella for me!
Thank you, dear one. Your huge heart is so evident to all who know you. I’m so glad God brought you into our lives through SDE! You had such an impact on our family, and I will definitely give Ella your love. Sending ours back to you!
Laura, thanks for the update, it allows us to pray more specifically for you and your family. I agree with Linda Glass, cry unto the Lord! We all will cry unto the Lord for you!
I will never forget meeting you in Fort Wayne. Our families have a sweet friendship, walking through tough times together. I’m so grateful for your prayers!
My dear, friend! Tears flowed and my heart sank over your suffering. Thank you for taking such effort and time to share your journey. Even in your misery, you weld your gift of wonderful storytelling. You are incredible!! Keep hanging on. We will continue to pray much for each of your sweet family. I’m delighted to hear of your “new” Hilo family helping you.
Your message was so heartfelt and encouraged me so much. I felt very vulnerable to share, especially since writing is more difficult these days. Your words make me want to continue to share and keep going. I appreciate your prayers and love so much!
Hugs and prayers Laura! You are amazing and very much loved. Your worth and value are NOT dependent on your physical body. Hang in there.
You said exactly what I needed to hear. So often I get caught up, believing the lie that my worth is only in my productivity. Thank you for the love, encouragement, and for praying too.
You are always in our minds and hearts xx
Same to you, sweet friend. Wish our lives’ journeys could be closer together physically, but you’re never far from our thoughts. Love your family so much.
Laura, I am in tears for you & wish I could give you a hug. I don’t know what God is doing, but I know He is still with you. Praying that you recover completely. It will take time, but you will get better. ❤️
Aw, thank you sweet one. Thank you so much for sending your love, prayers and encouragement. Your words meant the world to me.
My friend. We are heaping continual prayer on you and the family! Only God can sustain you. We will watch for updates. We love you guys!
Thank you, Miki. I am so grateful God brought our families together to love and encourage one another. We love doing life with you.
I love you and I hate this.
Me too. Same words back at ya.