The anticipation had been building for months. Every time my milestone birthday came to mind, I felt sad. By 40, surely I’d meet all the goals I’d set for my health. I never finished my graduate degree, had no career to speak of, and felt like I was failing at marriage and motherhood. This one thing was still in reach. And if I could just force my body into submission, I could at least be closer to being the wife and mother my loves deserved.
But instead of a triumphant return to strength, I was at my weakest. My stroke had happened four days before my birthday. Todd had planned a dreamy getaway to Kauai, what would’ve been our first couples trip in almost a decade. Instead, I was in bed unable to even feed myself. I couldn’t try to pretend I was happy. I really wondered if I’d ever smile again.
That is definitely not my norm. Naturally, I like to think I have a pretty happy and positive disposition. At the worst of times, I make it my mission to charm even the most curmudgeon. The grumpier the person, the greater the reward to bring them to the other side. Now I was so sad, and there didn’t seem to be any escape.
When “adopted” parents (Pete and Peggy) flew in to the rescue, I felt guilty. The money they must’ve spent, the long flights they endured, the plans they had to cancel. All to fly here to paradise on my birthday, only to work. Every beautiful day reminded me that instead of going out and enjoying it, everyone was stuck inside taking care of and worrying about me.
The look in Peggy’s eyes broke my heart. Her intense worry was all over her face, and I could not protect her from it. All I wanted to do was withdraw from everyone, but needing help meant there was nowhere to hide. It’s uncomfortable for me and for others when I can’t tie a happy hopeful bow on a terrible circumstance. God-forbid I add to their troubles or worse yet, they start to avoid me: The Bottomless Pit of Negativity.
Lately, I want to be avoided. I haven’t wanted to see my friends because I felt embarrassed. Who has a stroke at 39 on top of an ever-increasing list of rare medical issues? What if I can’t find my words? What if my right side goes limp again? What if they ask me questions I can’t or would rather not answer? I can give no bright side or purpose. (God hasn’t filled me in.) I don’t know the cause or the next step forward. How do I get better when brushing my own teeth feels impossibly exhausting?
The list of people I would allow in my orbit was small, but my kids were near the top of list and I let them know it. However instead of drawing near, Ella pulled away. Our (pre-stroke) nightly girl time snuggling in my bed vanished. I had to specifically ask her to come, and every time, she’d leave as soon as she could. Last week I found out why. Being with me, seeing the state I was in, made her sad.
I knew it was time to bring back the silliness. Our normal is to laugh on the daily in my house and the absence of it was affecting everyone. There’s no better sound than my children giggling, and I know exactly how to induce it. At first, it was hard to find the strength when my heart wasn’t in it. Very quickly I realized I needed it just as much.
My mom quickly joined in on the new vibe. She’s quick-witted and has the best one-liners. She’d flown here from Texas the day Pete and Peggy left and was saddened to find my “improvement” was worse than she’d imagined. I needed her honesty and tendency not to mince words as much as her physical help. Recovering from a stroke isn’t just physical. It affects every part of you, and it’s nice to find my sense of humor again.
You be as silly as you want. The kids love it. Todd loves it. It does my heart good to hear you are being silly. Laughter works like medicine and it makes you feel better. Love you????❤️
Actually I have a question – I know things in Hawaii are done differently oftentimes but I was surprised how you were home the day after your stroke! It just seemed like that was very quick and your body would have benefitted by the rehab that is typically offered here after a stroke. I know the tendency to push things so you can be home – but I wonder if this is not something the doctors could have set up for you? You were home 24 hour later which just seemed very quick on the doctor’s part – I’ve known many people who have had strokes with impairment and they’ve always had a longer hospital stay packaged with long periods of rehab. I hope some sort of rehab is at least offered! When you mentioned people checking out, I can understand that. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. Always praying, always wishing but we are so far away. With Margaret’s graduate school ahead trips to Hawaii are long off. I guess sometimes I don’t say anything because my thoughts and prayers seem so empty being so far aways and unable to do anything!
You’re exactly right. Typically, I would’ve had a much longer hospital stay, rehab included. But due to the state Todd found me in after the first night, he fought hard with the medical team to get me home as fast as possible. There are several good reasons. 1. Because my conditions are rare, so are the medications. Most weren’t readily available in the hospital pharmacy. (For instance, I got NONE of my nightly meds and paralyzed all night long.) Hospital policies are against meds from home and self-administration. On top of that, any provider is very wary of any patient taking potassium “as needed” since in a healthy person, too much can stop your heart. 2. Sleep was impossible, and not just because of a nocturnal roommate and all the lights and sounds. The policy is to wake patients in the night for bloodwork, stat checks, etc. Waking me in that manner causes more paralytic attacks. 3. Add in my pelvis injury needing a special mattress and pillows, and you’ve got excruciating pain on the list. 4. Visitors are only allowed 11 am to 7 pm, so if I paralyze without Todd being there, I’m outta luck. Paralytic attacks cause muscle damage and can be prevented if I’m allowed access to the meds I need. That kind of pain is preventable too. It’s really not the hospital’s fault. Healthcare systems are designed with protocols for good reasons and work well for typical patients. I just don’t fit the mold very well, and Todd felt firmly that once imminent threat to life was off the table, it would be safer and I would get better care from home. I’m in physical and occupational therapy now, though we’re wondering if it’ll need to moved from the hospital to our home, since I’m not yet able to drive, and in-home help can’t stay forever.
I wish we were closer too. In fact, I wish there was a way to bring everyone we love from all over to be right around the corner. I don’t know why it was God’s plan to have us move so much in our 18 years of marriage. It’s painful to be far from those we care so much about. But if we hadn’t ever moved, we wouldn’t have known all those people who became dear to us. Hearing you love us and are praying for us gives “borrowed strength.” When I feel like I’m at my end, I think of specific people I know who have said they care and it motivates me to keep going. Love you much.
oh sweet friend. I’m so sorry to read this for you. BUT I hope you remember you are so loved and even if you can’t do anything, you are still here for a reason.